When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
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I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
This dude got his own movie?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”