I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
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Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.