“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
You Might Also Like
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My daily affirmation
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.