Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
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My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*