I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.