Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
You Might Also Like
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.