Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
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Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”