I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
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If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.