Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
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I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
He took my last fry, your honor
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned