wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
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It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
This has made my week.
I just ran a .003048K
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
U talkin 2 me?