Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
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If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them