It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
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Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
my dog when i have a friend over
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.