[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
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Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
bias laundering edition
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.