I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
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Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Who’s your best friend?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.