Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
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I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart