when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
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Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”