Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
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TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Body by Oreos
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two