3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
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“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings