I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
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Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*