i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
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*feels the wind in my toe hair
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.