Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
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When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Just say no
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Whisper out to librarians!
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
You wish you had this many chins.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”