The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
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“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
notice
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Good boy 😂😂
sry
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?