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babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker