Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
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You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
We need to put an American base on the sun
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.