Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
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Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.