No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.