“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
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[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least