I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it