Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Sunday
Leaving the Barbers like
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?