Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
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Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!