Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
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It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
This hospital has everything
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
bout dat hot dog summer