A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
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I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what