No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
You Might Also Like
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.