if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
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[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*