Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
You Might Also Like
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
🙄😏😂🤣
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?