4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
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I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…