My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
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When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes