[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
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Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Well, this explains it:
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Not all heroes wear capes…
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?