I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
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If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Tony Hawk, age 6
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds