I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
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I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
The human personality is made of five key elements
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out