My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
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18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-