Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
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[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Good morning, Twitter x
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*