How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
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Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing