I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
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When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.