Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”