Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
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May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
LOL!
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.