CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
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Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables