I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
You Might Also Like
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.