Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
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[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I wanna be friends with this person
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]