Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
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Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Breaking news:
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me recordaron éste meme
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.